DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I checked a link where teenagers ask questions to each other. From what I read, I suspect my 15-year-old daughter is performing oral sex on boys. What is the best way to talk to her about this? — Torrance, Calif.
Editor’s Web Note: Lest you think after reading today’s column that every teenager engages in the “modern goodnight kiss,” please calm down. While oral sex is more common, less shameful, and occurs at younger ages than even the recent past, the only really solid sex study is from Guttmacher Institute with data limited to 2006. Other recent surveys tend to be media-originated and use sloppy data-gathering methods and I suspect their main purpose is to increase ratings. An infamous sensationalism was the “rainbow party” publicized on the Oprah Winfrey Show in 2003, which created panic among parents and only later was learned to be false.
What is fact is that the average kid starts viewing pornography at age 11. Today’s sexual revolution is definitely driven by Big Porn. The industry influences some girls to put out in formerly unthinkable ways. And for some boys to expect that. Yet for all this conditioning, I’ve never met a morally bankrupt teen. Boundary-less, yes, but not bankrupt. The more children are valued at home, the less they need to prove they are lovable, or studly, elsewhere. Teens crave open, safe, non-judgmental dialogue about these topics with parents and mentors. It really is the best way to influence them. And if you don’t do it, Big Porn will. — Lauren Forcella
Comments
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Oral sex is not taken nearly as seriously as vaginal sex. This was not a subject that my parents spoke to me about, but I did my best to avoid subjects that would be in any way awkward. I don’t know of a way that you could approach this subject without making your daughter feel awkward. I think the best place for teens to learn about any kind of sex is in a health class.
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First, I think you simply need to tell her that you are concerned about what she is doing. Sex is sex, and there are dangers just like any other type of sex. Yes, oral sex is usually done casually and yes, you do tend to get the same type of feelings if your boyfriend/girlfriend dumps you because you are addicted to them and I mean literally addicted. It’s called the “attraction-affection-addiction” principle.
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I believe that if you haven’t had intercourse, you are still a virgin. However, oral sex carries has the same risk of STIs, ruined reputation, and heartbreak. It’s especially popular because you can’t get pregnant. In reality, you can’t stop your daughter, but you can teach her the facts.
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Sad to say, but where I live this is very common these days and as some of the others say, many girls do not even consider this to be “having sex” while at the same time satisfying their boyfriends’ craving for sex. It’s even common to quote the fact the the President of the United States (Clinton) actually said that this didn’t qualify as having sex. What a great example to set for young people.
I recently came home early from my part time job on a Saturday because business was slow and they didn’t need me and our parents were out of town for the day and walked in on my sister who is barely 15 performing oral sex on her boyfriend in our room. Not only that, she was nude and his pants were all the way to the floor. It didn’t even phase them when I came in our room and saw them doing this. My sister just took “it” out of her mouth long enough to ask me to leave the room until they were finished, which I obviously did. Her boyfriend just grinned at me. I tried to talk to my sister about it afterwards, but she didn’t see it as a big deal and didn’t feel that they were having sex. Since he wore a condom, she didn’t feel that she really had “it” in her mouth and can’t get any kind of STD, so what’s the harm? I’m not going to tell our parents since we have an agreement that we don’t tell on each other, and while I’ve not done anything like this, she knows some things about me that I don’t want our parents to know. Also, she could make things very difficult for me since we share a room.
Shelly
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My stepsisters who I share a room with on visitations actually asked me to let them “practice” this on me so that they could do it well for their boyfriends. It was hard to turn the offer down even though it seemed sort of like incest, but it technically isn’t since they’re just my stepsisters. They took turns doing it to me while the other watched when our parents were out for the evening and even agreed to do it in the nude since they were getting to see me nude. From this experience and what I’ve heard from friends girls often offer this without even being asked in order to impress guys.
Tom
